Throwing Grandma from the Train

Dear President Obama:

 

I hope this letter makes its way to your desk before it is too late.

 

You see, I’m not crazy about most of the stuff I’ve heard so far about the proposed health care reform legislation.

 

But one of the things I have applauded is something I’ve been hearing from all the conservatives regarding the bill: That it will KILL SENIORS! EUTHANIZE ‘EM!

 

I’m sure you will agree that this is long overdue.

 

For starters, my neighbor is about 116 years old and simply refuses to trim that damn tree along the property line. I’ve been hoping your health care bill would become law soon so that I can go shoot her and explain that I was “putting her out of her misery.”

 

Glenn Beck, Fred Thompson, and so many other conservatives (here and here, for instance) have been assuring me that my wait is almost over. I’d gone so far as loading my gun and setting up a deadly dose of morphine as back-up.

 

That old lady was history.

 

But here’s the thing, and the reason why I’m writing: NONE of the bills circulating the Congress allow for euthanasia.

 

You see now why I am so anxious for you to receive this letter. You’ve gotta go change the bill before it’s too late!

 

Under Section 1233 of the House-drafted legislation, health care providers are encouraged to “to provide their Medicare patients with counseling on ‘the use of artificially administered nutrition and hydration’ and other end of life treatments’.” Every five years, individuals would be encouraged to review their long-term end-of-life documents.

 

But this isn’t euthanasia. This is what is called a “living will.” In my state, it’s called a Directive to Physicians. EVERY state already has provisions whereby you or I can execute a document that says that either we want or do not want to be kept alive using life support and artificial means of nutrition and hydration if, in the opinion of our physician, we’re going to die within six months either way.

 

On the other hand, only three states allow for euthanasia, which is proactively doing something to end life or speed the end of life.

 

Living wills are a routine component of an estate planning packet with end-of-life documents in it, completed by millions of Americans in all fifty states. I do over 100 of these documents every year in my own law practice. I encourage folks to review their documents at least every five years to make certain they reflect their current wishes.

 

The problem is that even with MILLIONS of these living wills floating around out there, we still have millions of seniors lying about, breathing, playing bingo, and watching “The Price is Right”!

 

If we rely on living wills to get rid of our seniors, will will never be rid of them. They’re going to be around forever.

 

Sadly, it appears that my usually reliable conservative sources were either flagrantly lying regarding euthanizing our seniors or else just don’t understand what a living will is. Maybe they do not own dictionaries and are thus unable to obtain a working definition of euthanasia. My suspicion is that they’re lying, because some conservatives I know are able to read, some have gone to college, and a couple of them speak in complete sentences.

 

That is why I am asking you before it is too late to change the language of the bill to insert a provision that would allow for taking the life of the ancient.

 

Think of it as very late term abortion.

 

I mean, you like abortion, don’t you?

 

Sincerely,

Adri Anna

 

P.S. Please hurry. The old lady’s dog has been barking for a half hour straight, and I don’t know how much longer I can wait…